iForgive. I attended a Webinar recently hosted by Little Stone Bridge Pathworkings, ran by my priest and dear friend the Rt. Rev. Lord Terry Power and his Lady, Robin McKean, a holistic health coach. They both helped me through a recent and really difficult period in my life, when a family member with whom I had myriad unresolved issues died in a sudden, senseless, tragic way that broke my heart when I thought of how easily it could have been avoided, and the part I played, however unwittingly in her passing.

iForgive. The ‘i’ is common because it is humble. I am not a humble existence. I am more like the dawning sun, always arriving. One of my favourite sayings is “You gotta have pride.” Spiritually, I’m born of faeries and of dragons. And it’s hard not to see your ‘I’ capitalized, not to see yourself as the best damn thing, when you are. Despite being a whole universe, in each infinite moment, there is only ever enough room within me for one emotion at a time, and humility is seldom it. Combine that pride with my other stellar qualities of perfectionistic and judgmental, and I’m afraid forgiveness gets the same great treatment as humility.

iForgive. I’m not forgiving. I hold decade-long grudges with ease. Do you know a single faerie that forgives? I don’t. (Godmothers don’t count, no one does anything to them anyway.) And to top it all off I don’t see anything wrong with any of that, and I’m not sorry. In fact, I have very few regrets. As such I have no idea where this blog post is going. I’m just typing out loud, I guess. With all that being said though, I’m sure you can imagine when Robin began to speak on humility and imperfection, how I smiled to myself at the notion.

I’m in such an interesting place in my life. It’s so important to beware of you, of the qualities you possess that others think are flaws, and the ones you actually agree with said others, are. Everyone who knows better by now, knows that I am smug and passive-aggressive. They should also know I’m affectionate and passionate, empathetic and kind, generous and grateful. It’s a faerie thing. Because I’m not one thing or another. Rather I’m everything and nothing as I please. Like the wind. And above all, I’m at peace with that dichotomy and that paradox.

So how does someone who is proud, perfectionistic, judgmental, unforgiving, smug, flawed, passive-aggressive, unapologetic and for good measure selfish with a questionably healthy dollop of jealous, forgive themselves for being the reason another person died? Something tells me, that like this post, it’s a work in progress. You see, regardless of what anyone may think of me for whatever reason they may think it, I am a staunch believer in accepting personal responsibility. Because doing so frees me. It is absolutely freeing to say I possess any given flawed quality and to be alright with that.

Without that intrinsic movement towards defense and justification and excuse, the pressure to either explain myself or meet the expectations of others is lifted from me. It is a fact that people will do what they want they want, regardless of your feelings, so I’ve quit my job of trying to influence their psycho-emotional processes. And yes, that is as freeing as it sounds. It is equally freeing doing whatever I want, regardless of theirs. Needless to say this doesn’t apply to those I treasure, but rather to those I cannot. Still, it’s a little different when someone dies as a result of your philosophical outlook.

How can iForgive myself knowing that the flawed qualities I embrace and accept within myself led to someone’s death? How can I free myself from that? It’s a box of rocks as Terry would say. It would weigh down my soul if I let it. Most days I’m successful in putting it from my mind completely. Not just refraining from thinking of it, but living in a world where it didn’t happen at all. That’s my super-power. Memory loss. Ironically another little nugget of which I am quite proud. But back to the point, how can I let go of the guilt and the shame that goes hand in hand with what has happened, with life and death and zero take-backsies?

How do I release it from me, not for days, but for life? How can I embrace the few things I genuinely hate about myself, the way I do the things I cherish? How can I see the value of losing someone, simply to learn a lesson? I abhor losing. I’ve fought so hard against those who dislike me, that the thought of disliking myself makes my heart sad. I don’t know how to let go, as I’ve only ever done it out of unhappiness, and so seldom out of the need to not feel guilty. I guess that has to do with that ‘having very few regrets’ bit I mentioned earlier.

It’s a stepping stone on a little stone bridge. The point of this post was never to provide solutions for either myself, or, if you’re in a similar situation, for you. The point of this post was to type out my thoughts, to reflect on them as I type, to use it as a kind of sounding board, to see what new discoveries I could unearth and explore within myself. Perhaps to give you insight into me, and perhaps to see in what way I could move forward, into that distant land of Forgiveness, and draw it closer to the worlds in which I romp and wreak havoc now.

They are such curious things, flaws and forgiveness, and as faerie, that curiosity is all I need to begin. If you feel compelled to share your own, tell me what they are, and thank you for taking the time to read this. It means a lot that you’ve reached this far, and it is appreciate it … as are you. Thank you too, to both Robin and Terry for the invitation to the Webinar that was the catalyst for these thoughts and this blog post ❤